Thumbs-Up for Thursdays (August 29)

Before I start, I have to admit I've been neglecting my blog a bit the last little while, but I promise I'll get my shit together soon!
 
It's here, and it's the last one for the month of August. It's another Thursday, and with it comes a few thumbs-ups. The Thursday before a long weekend is always a little bit hectic in my world, partially because I want to finish everything at work and also because I generally have a fair bit of packing to do. This week was no exception, but today has been by far the best day of my entire month!

1. I had the best weekend last weekend. No, seriously THE BEST. I spent time with friends, went out for wine and had the opportunity to laze around and just relax. This weekend will undoubtedly be a close second since it's a long one, AND I'm seeing F for the first time in two weeks. (For those of you who don't know, my daycare provider effed me and now I don't have childcare again.)

2. On a work trip to New Glasgow this week, I not only got to share my knowledge and passion for social media with a fabulous group of people, but I got to share a delicious meal with a great friend who I haven't seen in far too long! Catching up with friends is the best.

 3. I might actually have the best job ever. Just today, I spent my morning with a group of kids and their parents as they were provided with back-to-school assistance including clothing, Wal-Mart gift cards and backpacks filled with crayons, pencils, calculators and binders! Being a part of something bigger than myself, and helping more than 200 people is something that definitely deserves one big thumbs up.

4. This morning, a kind stranger paid for my Starbucks order in the drive-thru. After putting my cash back in my wallet, I decided that I wanted to keep the train of awesomeness chugging along. So I dug out my debit card and asked if I could please purchase the order for the car behind me. As warmed as my heart was by the generosity of that stranger, I felt great passing on that warmth to another. It was a small gesture but it had a huge impact on my day! Thumbs Up for kindness, amiright?

I hope you all had a great week too, and invite you to share your thumbs ups with me anytime! :) Keep the positivity going!

"Too pretty to be sad..."

... and other things you should never tell someone immediately post-breakup.

I get it. You love your friend. You're upset that someone could hurt her, and you want nothing more than to make her feel better. I've been there, too. I've been the concerned friend, and I've been the heartbroken friend. It's hard to watch someone you care about hurt, so you try your best to cheer her up. Mend her heart. Show her how great she is.

But sometimes the things you say just aren't OK.

Your friend doesn't need to hear what a dirt bag her ex was. She doesn't need to hear how much better off she is, or how she was wasting her time. She needs a friend. She needs someone to hear her out, feed her broken heart ice cream and show up with Kleenex and nail polish for a girls' night in. There are lots of things you can say, but here are a few things you shouldn't say:

"You're too pretty to be sad."

"You're better off without him."

"He was cheating on you, anyway."

"He wasn't good enough for you."

"You can do better."

"There are plenty more fish in the sea."

"Don't waste your tears."

"Just get over him."

Dear 16-year-old self

Although there are some parts of being 16 I'd rather not ever revisit, there are a pile of things I wish I could go back and say to myself now.

Dear 16-year-old self:

Hi.

 You may not know me, but I know you. I know you very well. I know your ins and outs, the way your mind works and I know that you have two thongs hidden in a bag in the back of your closet. Don’t worry. Mom’s not going to freak out – in fact, she won’t even say anything about them when they land in the laundry basket. She’ll wash them, and you’ll find them in your underwear drawer. In ten years, you’ll hate them so don’t stress about wearing them. Seamless panties are better and way more flattering. TRUST ME.

I know you’re really worried about having sex for the first time with your boyfriend. Stop feeling bad about your decision to wait, because it’s going to change everything. Know that you made the right decision, and that you chose the right person to share that experience with. When you break up next year, you’re going to feel like you can never love again but you will and you do. By the way, you’re still friends in the future and you’re always going to hold him in a special place in your heart.

Speaking of love, Mom loves you, and she was right: one day you’ll understand why. You see, you’re going to watch your heart running around before your eyes in only a few short years. You’re not really going to be ready for it, but you’re going to love every minute of it.

Stop trying to grow up so quickly – your adolescence and carefree days are gone before you know it.

Stop calling yourself fat. You’re not. Don't listen to the people who make you feel badly. They're as ugly on the inside as they make you feel on the outside. Make sure you don’t skip breakfast – it’s important and while beauty trends are going to go from super thin to curvy and back again over the next few years, don’t forget that healthy is always in.

Make sure you tell everyone you care about just how special they are. You never know when or how things will change.

Don’t stop writing and don’t stop dreaming. Those dreams are going to become a reality and you really are going to be a writer when you grow up. If you don’t believe me, just read this letter again. You wrote it.

Perfection is overrated. Get that through your head.

In less than ten years, you will have cellulite, stretch marks, wrinkles and hormonal acne on your chin. It’s not the end of the world. You’re a tiger and you earned those stripes, dammit. ...Except maybe the acne – but Witch Hazel is your friend and those super expensive acne treatments that are full of harsh chemicals are going to screw up your skin. Don’t waste your money. Seriously, you need it to buy toys for F.

Never say never because you’re going to survive things you thought you couldn’t and do things you don’t necessarily want to. Don’t forget: if you have to convince yourself to be with someone or convince that someone to be with you, it was never right in the first place. Let it go. Happiness is waiting around the corner.

Give Great-Aunt Mayme an extra hug. You’re going to live in her house in a few years, but it’s going to be short-lived. You’re going to feel her presence forever. Smile every time you see a Habs emblem – it’s Doug telling you he loves you. Papa lives in your baby’s heart, and when you look in his eyes you’ll see Papa shining through.

Becoming a Mom is scary. Enjoy every minute of it because he’s going to run out of time to spend sitting on your lap before you’re ready to let go of his hand. Speaking of Moms, make sure you thank Mom for folding your laundry and don’t bitch at her for asking you to put it away. You’re going to miss that. Trust me.

Double speaking of Moms – your biological mom is still out there, and she hasn’t forgotten you. You’re going to find her soon. Hang in there.

Hug Dee, because you have no idea what he’s going through. He’s going to be your best friend in a couple of years – stop rolling your eyes, it’s true – and you’re going to cherish him in a way that you didn’t know you could.

Your boobs are going to be a little saggy in a few years. Take that bra off while you still can, girl!

Don’t forget to forgive yourself every now and again.

Nothing is going to hurt more than sucking up your pride and going home, but you’re going to realize how lucky you are to have Mom and Dad. Go give them both a hug. Say I love you at every opportunity. They deserve to hear it, and you’re not too cool to say it.

High school isn’t forever. The people who are mean to you now will be mere memories soon. You’re going to meet your true friends and they’re as whacky as you are. Oh, and that red-head in the Nike sweater? Yeah, girl... you win him over in a few years. Hold on - he's worth the wait.

It may not be easy, but life is good. Enjoy it.

 

Unstuck

I have a really bad habit of getting stuck in my own head.

All manner of little things can do it to me. I worry about this and that, one stressor feeds another and the next thing I know I'm on the verge of tearing my hair out and crying into a glass of something alcoholic. This last month has certainly taken it's toll on me. Tomorrow, for example, will be one month since the day I found all of my belongings missing from my old apartment. The property rental company finally settled last week, and while it was only half of what it should have been, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was too tired.

I've left the dishes to pile up in the kitchen, laundry overflowing in the baskets, clothes strewn across my closet and eaten more than one bag of popcorn for lunch. I was tired, and most of it was my own damn fault.

Yesterday, I woke up sour. It may have been the fact that it was day two of a hangover (it would seem I'm not 19 any more), and it could have had something to do with the fact that my neighbours choose 4:48AM as the perfect time to blast really loud, really bad music. Must be nice to not have to get up and do anything in the morning. I texted my friend and expressed my displeasure at the whole thing. The texts ranged from "Are you going to go to class?" to "Today might be the day I finally lose my shit," but I managed to put on pants (real ones, with a button), and I went to class.

I went grocery shopping with one friend and ranted about how tired and frustrated I was. Another friend came over for movies and dinner and she and I ranted about how frustrated we both were. Then we put on hilarious music and danced. We went for hot chocolates, and I came home to a hot bath and I sat in front of my laptop for the better part of two hours, too wrapped up in my own head to write anything.

It was past my bedtime before I finally got out of my head, and it took a Skype call and a 5-minute laughing fit to do it. As it turned out, I went to bed two hours later than I should have and woke up positively exhausted with bad hair and a smile on my face. I needed a good laugh it would appear.

And I've already watched the 19-second video evidence I have of the hilarity twice.

Y'Amigos

I've got this friend.

She's pretty much the best thing to ever happen to me.

If she's reading this, I hope she knows who she is. She's the kind of friend who - in spite of not seeing eachother for weeks or months - can immediately pick up on a hint of sadness in my voice within 2 minutes of a phone conversation. She's the kind of friend who lets you cry on her shoulder, helps you verbally assault the person who has done you wrong and encourages you to spend money you really don't have on clothes you don't need - and then shares Old Cheddar Kraft Dinner with you because you can't afford anything better. Everyone should have at least one of these friends - and I'm fortunate enough to have three.

Growing up, my Mom always warned me against some types of friends - you know the ones who are toxic and make you miserable? Sadly, it would seem, only women have those traits. Have you ever noticed that a lot of guys are friends with the same group of people they were friends with as children? Guys are straightforward. When they don't like something, they say it. They (usually) confront the situation and leave it all on the court. Women, on the other hand, we're nasty. We talk behind backs and we are the masters of the Backhanded Compliment - don't act innocent, you've done it.

There are five friends every girl should have. Here's the list:

1. The friend who knows you better than you. She's the one who can spot your meltdown before you feel it coming on. She's the friend who sees something on a hanger and knows you'd look great in it, or meets someone and thinks you would love them. She's the friend who gives you that special insight into situations that you're too wrapped up in to see clearly and she's the single friend you should never be without. Cherish her.

2. The friend who is louder and more outgoing than you are. She can break the ice, help you storm a castle and take charge of the room. She's the girl who sets you at ease and - if you're me - gives you the opportunity to take a step back. I'm usually this friend, and it is such a pleasure to have someone else be this person. Let her take charge of the party, bask in her glow and enjoy yourself. It's awesome.

3. The super serious friend. She's the friend who tells you it's time to put your Visa away (No, seriously... stop online shopping!), to reconsider that job-change or relationship. She's the girl who makes sure you get home safely from a night out and whips your ass into shape in more ways than one.

4. The "no cares" friend. Be warned: this is the friend with whom you will always have a love-hate relationship. Nothing bothers her, and that kills you. She takes everything as it comes and can always hit you up with some "just chill" when you most need it. Take her advice sometime, go to a yoga class or take a walk with her and soak up her aura. It will help.

5. The Non-Stopper. She's the friend who drags you out of the house when you want to skip the shower and lay on your couch. She's involved in 98 things at once and seems to have endless bounds of energy. She'll help you get involved, turn you on to new things and give you a new perspective on life. You'll want to be her and you'll respect the Hell out of her for all she's up to (even if it's just party rockin' 7 nights a week).

For all the great friends you have and the wonderful people you meet, there are going to be these four that you don't need:

1. The Negative Nancy. You know the one. She's complaining about everything from the weather to her chipped nailpolish (which, might I add you can totally complain about because that shit takes time). She's perpetually miserable and she's going to bring her rainy attitude into your life, too. Don't let her. Try to make her positive, or make a B-line for the door. You don't need that negativity.

2. The Mooch. "Hey, I know we haven't talked for a while but I was wondering..." is one of my least favourite lines coming through my phone's earpiece. (Bonus points when you get it via text.) Yes, sometimes you or your friend is going through a tough time, but this the chick who only contacts you when she needs something, like your favourite dress or a reference. If she can't be your friend all the time, don't be her friend some of the time. She'll either shape up or ship out.

3. The Attention Whore - you know, the one who shows up all dressed up for you casual brunch or flirts her face off with your new boyfriend.  Her. Stomp that out before it's too late, because that shit grows like wildfire. Tell her how you feel. ALSO: Boyfriend-flirting is so offlimits.

4. The Backhanded Complimenter - she's the girl who rains on your parade and takes the wind out of your sails, all while smiling and making you *almost* feel good. I think the best one I ever heard was, "Oh, wow... those jeans actually make you look really thin" as if I was fat and it was a miracle I could look otherwise. It's the compliment that's hiding a stab, and you don't need to hear that. Come right back at her with a true insult and see how she likes it, but you should probably explain the reasoning so you don't come across as a total bitch.

"Speak Now..."

"...Or forever hold your peace"

I wonder how many brides and grooms have held their breath as the pastor spoke those lines at the beginning of the marriage.

I remember hearing those words at my own wedding, wondering if any of my friends would speak up. The friends whom I had told I was unsure, the friends who promised it was just cold feet. I knew my parents wouldn't, they had voiced their doubts and feelings as to "why this couple should not be wed" privately. I needed a friend to say it, someone other than my parents to hit me with a dose of reality. "Something's missing, there's just something not right here". Would I have called it all off? I don't know.

I can still hear my Mom saying those words, looking at me with pleading eyes - begging me to see what was in front of me. I wasn't really happy - did I love him? Yes. I still do, but we weren't right together. The painful truth is this: had we not shared a child together, we would have long since been absent from one another's lives. Our split took a toll on me. I'm sure it took a toll on him too, but I don't know his side of the story. What I do know is I spent the next six months waiting for him to come around, to tell me he was sorry and he wanted to make it work. To be the person I always dreamed he would be: F's father. A true Dad. I'm still waiting for that.

I was mad at him for not fighting for us, I was pissed off at his ability to go drinking and partying while I sat at home crying into a glass of wine over reruns of Law & Order: SVU. I picked him apart, as if pointing out his flaws was going to make it any easier. It never did. I magnified all of the things he did that I hated, the things that annoyed the Hell out of me. I left the house with my brave face and my big girl underpants on. As angry as I was with the breakup, I was more angry with the friends who - months after my breakup - dared look me in the eyes and say "I always had a feeling", or my absolute favourite: "I saw this coming a mile away."

WELL, NOW'S A GREAT FUCKING TIME TO TELL ME.

My heart was broken, my life thrown upside down and you felt now was the time to tell me about your feeling? Your premonition? Super duper. Thanks. If you felt that way, why the Hell didn't you intervene and tell me? Didn't I deserve to know? All that those words have done in the months since my breakup is hurt me more. Remember that integral part of the paragraph the minister read? "Speak now, or FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE." As in shut your piehole and keep that little gem of 20/20 hindsight to yourself. I don't need to hear it now.

If you love your friend, tell her now. Don't let her make a mistake. If you're not going to tell her now, keep you damn mouth shut two miles down the road when the inevitable finally comes to a head because it's too little too late. It doesn't help to hear about your feeling when her heart is broken.

Oh, and don't bash the other person because they just might get back together, and then shit will be super awkward.

Trembling

Do you remember your very first day of school?

I'm sure I don't, but I'm equally certain that it was not a big deal to me. My teacher was my next door neighbour and I knew my five grade-primary classmates already. The bus would have picked me up at 8:30AM, and dropped me off at home by 2:30PM. Twenty-odd kids from ages five to twelve, split between two classrooms attended that little school and I knew them all.

It wasn't until grade five when I switched schools that things got scary. New people, cliques, popular kids. These were the things of fairy tale, not my reality. On the hour long bus ride to and from school I learned about the hierarchy of bus seats, how to write neatly going over bumps and the importance of flopping your backpack on the seat next to you if you wanted to be alone. I was twelve years old before I knew what a bully really was, but I survived it with plenty of tears and broken hearts, laughter and friendships along the way.

Yesterday, I had my first day of school (again). It's the third time I've had a first day at a new school since the terrifying experience as a twelve-year-old. The only thing that's changed is my pants size and my age, really. And my major, from journalism to disabilites and back to public relations. It might even be more terrifying than it was then. I planned my outfit for two days, touched up my makeup in the parking lot, popped a mint in my mouth in the hallway and plastered that fake-confident smile we all have when we feel like we're going to puke but need to look cool. My dad came in to check it out too, which was a delectable cross between mortifying and wonderful. At least if I had passed out, someone would have been there. Besides, no one saw us.

Nine other women sat in the Student Lounge awaiting the commencement of Orientation. Some looked to be about my age, two were a fair bit older, and some looked to be a fair but younger than I. Nobody said anything. I smiled and said hello, but no one responded. So there we sat in silence, ten grown women awkwardly looking around at one another, casually picking up our class schedule from time to time and looking at it with little interest. Finally, we were rescued by the Co-President of the college. She was perky and funny and talked to us like we were little kids. It was great. We were given a tour of the campus (which, by the way, is GORGEOUS) and handed a "free" backpack. When I jokingly pointed out that it was the most expensive backpack I'd ever owned, one girl frowned at me either because she thought I was an idiot or she didn't get the joke.

I loved the faculty and while I'd really like to make friends, it's not about making friends as much as about making myself. I'm happily pursuing a long-term relationship with me, my education, talents, dreams and every other aspect of what's yet to come. So far, I've been hitting it off pretty well. I might be bashful and trembling now, but pretty soon I'll be galloping through the paces.

Drowning Negativity

Quick to anger; Slow to forgive.

Is it human nature, or just my own awful flaw? I have learned the hard way that you can't give your trust as easily as I once did. I've been hurt too many times. It takes time to earn my trust now, a long time. I find myself explosive with anger at the drop of a hat, but it takes time for my temper to be extinguished. I so easily let one bump derail an otherwise wonderful day, but I rarely feel better after a good thing happening on a bad one. And so ends my day today.

My day was super. I hung out in bed with F, my hair co-operated and I even sailed through the traffic lights. Although I had a long wait in construction, the hour-long drive to meet my awesome friend Sarah for lunch was worthwhile. (NOTE: If you need a shower of positivity, check her out at http://www.sarahandbasil.blogspot.ca/ ... she's incredible and I heart her dearly.)We haven't seen each other since my wedding dance - much too long by any measure, and yet just the right amount of time also. We've both had a lot to contend with, big changes, personal issues... it was wonderful to sit and just be. I feel lucky to have formed an immediate friendship with her: an unlikely connection, as we're from different parts of the country. We met on the first day of Human Services Year One and forged that type of friendship that you only stumble upon a few times in life.

We had a delicious lunch, caught up and shared an absolutely delectable dessert (my thighs are cursing me as I type). I left lunch feeling fantastic, the type of fantastic that only comes from great conversation and company with a good friend. The air was cold but my heart was warm after our goodbye, and as sappy as it sounds, it's true. There's nothing in the world like a great friend.

With a positive attitude and a cheerful beat to my step, I hit Walmart to buy an inflatable mattress for the weekend in the new apartment, and then the mall to get Mom's birthday gift. I was scoring deals left and right, feeling pretty pleased with myself for saving money and getting a great array of goodies for my Mom! Things have just been going so well the last few days! When I stopped at the gas station, gas had gone down 6 cents a litre. HECK YES! I asked for a Deluxe Car Wash and then, very out of character, I bought a Lotto ticket for tomorrow night's draw. If I win, don't expect blog posts for a while.

I got a coffee and set on my way home, trying to call my parents all the way. I couldn't get them on either cell phone so I deduced that they were probably at my old house where there is - gasp - no cell service. I turned down towards the old house and to my luck, there was a line of dump trucks ahead of me. As I drove along thinking of how I'll spend my lottery winnings I heard a huge SMACK that brought me back to reality quicker than you can say "millionaire".

There it was. A big, fuck-off spall on my windshield. Really universe? Really? You couldn't let me have one awesome week?

Well, shit. Now I have a big spall in my windshield to go with the quarter dozen small spalls I already had to contend with - yay living in the sticks during construction season. FML. I spewed out a handful of hateful cursewords, many starting with "c" and "f". I pulled over, fuming.

In reality, that spall isn't that big a deal. I'm not hurt, my car is still driveable and there's still a miniscule chance that I'll be a millionare tomorrow night. I let a fabulous day be completely washed away with negativity. I ruined my own good mood by letting it get to me. In the future, I really hope I can avoid that. Shitty things happen, it's a fact. You spill coffee on your white jacket, get the hiccups in an interview and a massive pimple before a big date. It happens. It's going to happen. No amount of being pissed off is going to solve it, and I need to remember that.

In the meantime, should you be looking for me, I'll be drinking a big glass of wine to celebrate the new chapter in my life tomorrow, praying for a winning lotto ticket and drowning that negativity that completely effed up my day.

XO