Defensive Parenting

"People are telling me I'm selfish because Rori is going to be my only child."

This was the beginning of a conversation between my friend and I last night. Not only does she have the best name ever (three guesses what it is), she's an outstanding person and a wonderful new mom. The road to getting pregnant and the pregnancy itself wasn't a walk in the park for Ashley and her partner. She's had to face more health issues than any 20-something should have to. It's changed her life, her career and her person, but she's a strong person and she's made it work. (In case you're wondering, that is why she's one of my best friends)

And I sit her defending her, which is almost as crazy as the fact that she has to defend herself and her decision to anyone else. What the what?! Why do we have to defend every.single.decision we make as parents? Why does the rest of the world feel they need to weigh in on that? Ack!

It's infuriating to think that another person would feel they had the right to tell a mother - especially a new mother, in Ashley's circumstances - what's best for her family. Selfish for only having one child? It should be some kind of bad joke, but the unfortunate truth is that shaming has become such a big part of our society that I don't think folks even realize they're hurting one another any more.

In the world of Pinterest and My Sweet Sixteen, it's never been harder to be a Mom. The bar has never been set so high. I was damn happy as a kid to get a homemade pizza and store-bought birthday cake, with a handful of friends to play with. My Mom didn't wear designer clothes to pick me up from school or gymnastics. And it was great. I often wonder if she worried about how she looked when she went to the playground, not because of how her clothes made her feel but how she felt in front of the eyes of other parents.

We've got slut-shaming, fat-shaming, and mom-shaming. At least it's not racism though, right? (See that? That's called sarcasm.)

 I've been accused of being selfish and a bad mom because I went back to school. Clearly we can all see how selfish I was to want to work towards a better future for my family. It's ridiculous and unfair and it totally disrupts our lives as mothers, women, friends, people. And I guess I'm selfish, too, for only having one child. Gosh, what was I thinking? *eye roll*

Is it just me, or does that make about as much sense as wearing a raincoat in the shower or drinking decaf coffee on a Monday morning?

Why do we feel like we have the right to tell another mother how to raise her family? When did it become OK to project our values onto everyone else? I would have loved to have had another child, I'd have loved for F to have a playmate - a little brother or sister to share with and teach and learn from, but I didn't. And do you know what? I'm not a bit unselfish in being glad for that. Selfish would have been having another child that I would struggle to support financially and emotionally. Selfish would be Ashley having another baby and risking her health, wellness and happiness just to make all of those mom-shaming bullies happy.

Selfish is not considering the welfare of your family first.

Last year, I vowed to stop apologizing as a mother, woman, friend. I won't apologize for going back to school. I won't apologize for being a single mom, for not lending my clothes to someone, for not driving people around. I won't apologize for turning down opportunities that didn't fit into my plan, or accepting the ones that do. I won't apologize for putting my son before anyone else. I won't apologize for making my happiness a priority.  I won't apologize for standing up for myself or a loved one. Don't apologize for things that aren't worthy of an apology.

We shouldn't have to.

Unapologetic

unapologetic: adj. unwilling to make or express an apology.

There are too few times in life that we are unapologetic as mothers, women, community members and friends. Mommy Guilt consumes us as we leave for work every day, spend time or money on ourselves, or say "no" to our children. We give time and effort to community, family, friends and we forget about ourselves. It's time to stop apologizing for every little thing. Here's a list of things I refuse to be sorry for anymore - not just as a Mom, but as ME.

1. Saying NO. To every guy I met in my teens/twenties whom I didn't sleep with, every girl who asked to borrow my stuff, every organization that asks me to donate time or money I just don't have I am not sorry.

2. Going to School/Work or NOT Going to School/Work. You are more than a mother, wife, daughter, sister. You are YOU. Embrace that. Yes, it's hard to leave your child behind but it's a lot harder to live with resentment and regret. Do what's best for you, your family, your happiness.

3. Having Dreams. I love my son more than words can describe. To be honest, I'm not sure if there are enough words for me to even begin but I want to be more than just Mom. This means having dreams and following them, working toward them. Don't give me any shit about being a bad mom for choosing to do so, either. See the above paragraph for further clarification.

4. Not being a Size Zero. If you are a mother who, like myself, looks in the mirror and cringes at stretch marks and jiggle, take a deep breath and forgive yourself. No more sorry. YOU HAD A FUCKING BABY ('Scuse my French). You've carried, birthed and possibly breastfed a child. You are raising said child, juggling your life, relationships and the responsibilities of parenthood. Pat yourself on the back and go eat a cookie. Seriously. Eat the cookie - and say Thank You to your amazing body for being amazing.

5. Going Out. You can't put your entire social life on hold. I've tried, it backfires. Let go of the guilt you feel when you carve out time to go and have that thing... what's it called? Oh yeah, FUN. Go have some fun. Spend time with your friends. Hire a sitter and have a date night with your significant other.

6. Staying In. Being tired is OK. This one is directly linked to Number 1. It's OK to pass sometimes (or most of the time, if we're being honest). Spend your Saturday night reading in the bathtub, go to bed or  curl up on the couch and watch cartoons with your kid[s].

7. Treating YOURSELF. Buy a magazine in the grocery store aisle and then lock yourself in the bathroom for an hour and read it. Headphones optional, but highly recommended. Buy nailpolish and paint your nails - or better yet - drop by the nail place and get a manicure. You deserve to feel good.

8. Letting Go. This is has been, by far, the biggest obstacle for me. It's OK when things don't work out. It's OK to let go of relationships that make you unhappy or a job you're miserable in. Whether you're letting go of emotional or physical weight, don't apologize for taking ownership of your happiness. It's yours.

9. Your Happiness. Yeah, it's hard when your friend is going through a tough time and you're on top of the world, but you shouldn't have to trash your own happiness in order to relate. It also sucks when the roles are reversed. Whether you're happy or sad, don't apologize to anyone for your emotions.

10. Being a Rock Star. Haters gonna hate. 'Nuff said.

Be positive and Stay Super! XO