#EyeTwitch

I do my best to be a positive person.

Lately, it's been hard. The stress of being away from F has been greater than I could have ever imagined and the lack of sleep is starting to make me a little crazy. After spending most of the last year alone, I've overcompensated by filling my days with people and I haven't taken a quarter of the alone time that I really need.

Enter the eyetwitch.

It takes a lot to really grate my nerves, and yet for the past two weeks everything has been abrasive and irritating. Little comments and actions seem huge, bad drivers seem to have multiplied and all of the stupid people in the world seem to be out in full-force when I'm in a rush to get somewhere or get something done.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Negativity spreads like wildfire. Little irritations snowball into massive pet peeves, bad days spiral into bad weeks and the next thing you know you've become that douchebag you can't stand. You're irritated just listening to yourself be irritated, you're pissed off by your own bad mood and yet you feel powerless to stop it.

Once it begins, it's almost impossible to stop it. I'm exhausted by my own exhaustion, and annoyed by my own annoyance. It's tiring and it's unfulfilling. It sucks the joy out of everything, and I've decided to put my foot down.

I can't change the past two months. I can't undo all the crap that happened, and I certainly can't go back and adjust my attitude but I can look forward. I can make sure it doesn't happen again. My patience my wear thin from time to time, but I don't have to let it get the better of me. In fact, I won't.

I've decided to implement a 10-minute rule.

I can bitch and complain for 10-minutes every day, and then put it all away. Whether it's a person at work, the ass who cut me off in rush hour traffic or the neighbours who play their music too loud, I can complain for 10 minutes. I can be angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated, WHATEVER for 10 minutes and then I have to let it fly.

I can't take on the frustrations of others. I'm too empathetic. I will tune out the "Debbie Downers" and I'll ignore the gloomy moods that I run into in class or the office. I'll be the irritating, cheerful person that all the cranky people can't stand.

And they can bitch about me all they want.

#EyeTwitch

#EndRant

Drowning Negativity

Quick to anger; Slow to forgive.

Is it human nature, or just my own awful flaw? I have learned the hard way that you can't give your trust as easily as I once did. I've been hurt too many times. It takes time to earn my trust now, a long time. I find myself explosive with anger at the drop of a hat, but it takes time for my temper to be extinguished. I so easily let one bump derail an otherwise wonderful day, but I rarely feel better after a good thing happening on a bad one. And so ends my day today.

My day was super. I hung out in bed with F, my hair co-operated and I even sailed through the traffic lights. Although I had a long wait in construction, the hour-long drive to meet my awesome friend Sarah for lunch was worthwhile. (NOTE: If you need a shower of positivity, check her out at http://www.sarahandbasil.blogspot.ca/ ... she's incredible and I heart her dearly.)We haven't seen each other since my wedding dance - much too long by any measure, and yet just the right amount of time also. We've both had a lot to contend with, big changes, personal issues... it was wonderful to sit and just be. I feel lucky to have formed an immediate friendship with her: an unlikely connection, as we're from different parts of the country. We met on the first day of Human Services Year One and forged that type of friendship that you only stumble upon a few times in life.

We had a delicious lunch, caught up and shared an absolutely delectable dessert (my thighs are cursing me as I type). I left lunch feeling fantastic, the type of fantastic that only comes from great conversation and company with a good friend. The air was cold but my heart was warm after our goodbye, and as sappy as it sounds, it's true. There's nothing in the world like a great friend.

With a positive attitude and a cheerful beat to my step, I hit Walmart to buy an inflatable mattress for the weekend in the new apartment, and then the mall to get Mom's birthday gift. I was scoring deals left and right, feeling pretty pleased with myself for saving money and getting a great array of goodies for my Mom! Things have just been going so well the last few days! When I stopped at the gas station, gas had gone down 6 cents a litre. HECK YES! I asked for a Deluxe Car Wash and then, very out of character, I bought a Lotto ticket for tomorrow night's draw. If I win, don't expect blog posts for a while.

I got a coffee and set on my way home, trying to call my parents all the way. I couldn't get them on either cell phone so I deduced that they were probably at my old house where there is - gasp - no cell service. I turned down towards the old house and to my luck, there was a line of dump trucks ahead of me. As I drove along thinking of how I'll spend my lottery winnings I heard a huge SMACK that brought me back to reality quicker than you can say "millionaire".

There it was. A big, fuck-off spall on my windshield. Really universe? Really? You couldn't let me have one awesome week?

Well, shit. Now I have a big spall in my windshield to go with the quarter dozen small spalls I already had to contend with - yay living in the sticks during construction season. FML. I spewed out a handful of hateful cursewords, many starting with "c" and "f". I pulled over, fuming.

In reality, that spall isn't that big a deal. I'm not hurt, my car is still driveable and there's still a miniscule chance that I'll be a millionare tomorrow night. I let a fabulous day be completely washed away with negativity. I ruined my own good mood by letting it get to me. In the future, I really hope I can avoid that. Shitty things happen, it's a fact. You spill coffee on your white jacket, get the hiccups in an interview and a massive pimple before a big date. It happens. It's going to happen. No amount of being pissed off is going to solve it, and I need to remember that.

In the meantime, should you be looking for me, I'll be drinking a big glass of wine to celebrate the new chapter in my life tomorrow, praying for a winning lotto ticket and drowning that negativity that completely effed up my day.

XO