Lessons

Being in a relationship again is kind of weird – but in a good way.

As much as I was really beginning to enjoy hanging out in my sweatpants and being totally disgusting when hidden behind the walls and doors of my apartment, I have to admit that I’m a much bigger fan of having the companionship I've found in Red. It’s such a drastic change from my last relationship that I sometimes find myself overwhelmed with the urge to find a way to go back in time and smack myself upside the head. We just laugh all the time. There’s no nitpicking (except for the occasional, fun pick-at-each-other-sprees we tend to go on – but it’s all in fun, really), and I feel genuinely appreciated every minute that we’re together, and the warm feeling stays with me all day long.

Last night, after consuming far too much food, we laced up our sneakers, put Daisy’s leash on her and hit the pavement for a walk/jog together. I've never done that before. I've never wanted to spend that time with someone, and it’s a little bit overwhelming. I’m not an expert on relationships, but I've had enough of the shitty variety to be assured that I've got a good thing in my life right now. I’m not 100% convinced that I know how to keep a relationship on solid ground, but I think I've learned enough over the past few broken hearts to have a bit of a grasp on this notion.

1. Always think the best of each other. Believe strongly in the good, and doubt the bad.

2. Talk. (Crazy, right?) If you can't talk about it, you have no right doing it - whatever it may be. Sex, love, relationship, whatever. Just talk.

3.Go to bed angry. Go to work angry. Stew, if you must. Have a sip of coffee by yourself, and deal with it when you’re ready. It’s highly unlikely you’re going to solve whatever you’re facing when you’re both overtired, or when you have 15 minutes until you leave for work. Whoever said you should stay up arguing until 3:30 AM, sleep-deprived and frustrated was an idiot. 

4. Don’t complain about your partner to your friends. They don’t love him (or her) the way you do, and they’re less likely to forgive, assuming they ever do. If your friends hate your significant other, it makes your relationship a lot harder. Trust me on this. The same goes for your parents. Need to vent? Talk to his Mom. She'll forgive him. Yours probably won't.

5. Let. Shit. Go. Seriously. Those little things will drive you crazy, so check it where it needs to be and move on whenever possible.

6. Finally (even if a little contradictory to my point here): If it’s that bad, just leave. You’ll both be happier. Life's too short for a shitty relationship. Someone great is waiting. 

I strongly believed for most of my life that being alone was the worst thing in the world. It’s not. Being lonely in a relationship is the worst thing ever. Feeling unfulfilled or unappreciated breaks you down, and it sucks the life and energy from you. My year of singledom was enlightening, occasionally lonely, but it has been and will likely remain to be one of the most educational, fulfilling experiences of my life.

And I can’t wait to see what this next phase brings me.

...and Clap!

Divorce Sex.
 
Would you do it?
 
I consider myself to be fairly open-minded, and anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I am very comfortable with my sexuality. It seems to frighten a few people, actually. It seems not everyone is comfortable with a woman taking ownership of her own sexuality... which really sucks for them! I am comfortable discussing sex, I feel better naked than clothed and I genuinely enjoy sex, although it's been so long I can't really say I remember it.
 
Even in the aftermath of our separation, I am lucky enough (or something like that) to be able to joke about and approach the subject of sex and dating with my ex. While we hadn't seen eachother since July, he's been here for me more in the past month than he has all year and I can give credit where credit is due - especially when there is so little! When I discovered my car tires were looking low, I called him up. He agreed to help me fill them, and so he dropped by yesterday evening to pick up my car. Instead we sat down and talked. I let my emotions overflow in relation to being away from F, and he promised me I was doing the right thing. He's made me feel really bad in the past, but damnit if he can't make me feel a million times better.
 
Somehow, the conversation moved on to dating. I boldly went where no ex-wife really wants to go when I asked if he was seeing anyone. He said no. I said no, but asked for some mild dating advice. He gave it, and we both laughed. As I went into the bathroom to check my hair, he called down the hall "So, when is the last time you got laid?". I dramatically walked into the hall and snarkily replied "Probably longer than you!", and the jokes started flying. "I'm almost desperate enough to sleep with you," I called down the hallway, and he laughed and said "Yeah, why not? We should have some divorce sex. Like one last hurrah!".
 
Really?
 
I stood in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. Could I do that? Would I do that? Break-up sex and make-up sex always seem to fall into the "super-hot" category, don't they?To me, the facts are pretty simple. We're not together, and that is for a reason. While I can't say with absolute certainty that I am or am not OK with casual sex, I can confidently say that I could not possibly have sex with him without having some form of emotional hysteria to follow. You know the kind of frenzy that leads you to believe you're certifiably crazy-pants? That. I don't look good like that.

Don't you love my dress?

 
The other rather ugly fact is that while I love J (and likely always will), I know that things will never get better. They never have. I can't live my life in that cycle - and he shouldn't either. So, while I can honestly say that I had a really great time coming into my sexuality with him... I can most definitely say that I don't need to revisit that ever again.
 
Vibrators, duh.

Ridin' Solo

I hate Roast Beef.

There are quite a few foods I'm not particularly fond of - a lot, actually. Roast beef is top of the list, possibly because it was almost always the meal we had when we visited my ex's family. It was never my favourite meal anyway, but I can remember crowding around that tiny table being pregnant and suffering morning sickness and making sure I didn't let my pregnancy slip because J's family wouldn't approve of it. I was after moving home with my own family before he told his parents - I should have clued in sooner, am I right? (Don't answer that).

I don't like red meat in general, tomato sauces or ketchup. I'm not particularly fond of spicy foods either. Pickles and hot sauce: yuck. I'm even super weird in that I don't really like bread unless it's hot and covered in cheese and garlic butter. Oh, and don't get me started on hot-dogs. Those foods were practically always in the grocery order when J and I lived together, both full and part-time. I always had beer and/or rum in the house for him. We always listened to his music in the car, and more often than not, watched his shows or he played PS3 during our down-time. I bought the stuff and listened to the music, read books while he watched stupid shows and I never once complained because I loved him. But between you and I, I don't miss a single bit of it. (Except for sex. I miss regular sex. With another person.)

Sure, I get lonely and occasionally miss having someone to sit next to on the couch and I would love it if someone else took out the trash, but I'm starting to feel like lately the pros of singledom are far outweighing the cons. Some of the things I'm enjoying about being single might seem like the little things, but they are pretty fabulous if you ask me:

1. No man shows, unless I want to watch them. This includes those ones on SpikeTV involving cars and motors and things I'm really uninterested in. AWESOME. This goes one step further to encompass those shooting/zombie video games that cost almost as much as my bloody grocery order.

2. Not Shaving. I don't have to shave anything unless I want to - which is a great time saver! My mustache is starting to get in the way when I'm eating though... just kidding!

3. Nobody complains about "stinky nail polish". FACT: I love nail polish. I love painting my nails, over and over. I would paint my nails a different colour every day of the week if I had the time and energy to do so.

4. Me-Time occasionally includes painting my nails, but it's also the time I like to spend at my computer, painting actual things, making jewelry, drooling over Channing Tatum and watching stupid shows like Breaking Amish. It's awesome, and as long as Finley is asleep or otherwise engaged, it's all mine.

5. One word: STARFISH. If you don't know what this is, you're missing out. Go try it. I won't bother waiting. Enjoy.

Probably the best part of being single, however, is knowing that I am free to pursue whatever I want. Sure, I have F to think about but I can make decisions based entirely on what is best for me because the fact is, what's best for me includes what's best for F. I don't have to take a job in a certain city based on another person's job, make a meal based on anyone else's preference and I am free to fall in love with whomever and whatever I want. That, my friends, is what I call liberating. And awesome.

So, if you're single like me and missing relationships or jealously stewing over your coupled up friends... rejoice! You can starfish every night! In the meantime, be strong and enjoy your independence and time alone - you never know when you might fall in love again! :)

 

#DatingFail

Today's rant post is inspired by an interesting experience I had yesterday.

A popular country song lyric comes to mind:

"Call me old-fashioned, call me out of touch".

 

Apparently, I am either old fashioned, out of touch, completely unaware of modern dating practices or all of the above. Or I just experiened the biggest dating fail of my life.

 

   From here on out, I'll be referring to my date as B. B is very handsome, and I was a little nervous/excited. Ultimately, it was pretty lacklustre and has made me question whether or not I even want to date. Vibrators were invented for a reason, folks!

    I don't really know where exactly to begin. Firstly, I've always felt that if someone really wanted to take me out that they would pick up the phone and do that thing phones were invented for - calling. Remember that? Where you hold it up to the side of your face and speak into it? That.

     B texted me. A week ago. I have known B for just over two years - we studied together, and while we were in different classes, we ran into eachother around campus a lot and he was always very friendly. I had a boyfriend (who became fiance - at B's party - who then became husband who is now ex), he had a girlfriend (who is now ex). We often exchanged friendly texts over the past several months, but the "I was wondering if you'd be interested in having dinner sometime. Like, a date" text kind of threw me for a loop.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt in that my number is long-distance for him to call.

    Next on the agenda: Chivalry. Generally speaking, man picks up woman for date. Being a modern woman who lives in the country and he being a man with no car living in the city (public transit and the opportunity to walk - how I miss thee), I drove the 90-minute drive in for our "date" for a few reasons: the first being that all manner of entertainment (restaurants, movies, parks etc.) can be found in the city. The second being that the plan was meant to be dinner and a movie. The third being that I never, ever get to go out solo - single mom out on the town is pretty exciting.

   I arrived at his house and he invited me in to give me a tour. It was beautiful. His roommate is a recently-single 31-year-old who decided to offput his bills by bringing in some renters. He's also incredibly handsome and probably would have actually had a plan in place if he was taking a girl on a date. Post-tour of the house, B went and sat on the couch and turned on the TV. I stood awkwardly, and he motioned for me to sit with him.

   "So, what do you want to do today then?" were the next words out of his mouth. I sat there like a total idiot staring at him. REALLY? I did a quick recap of what I had obviously mistakenly thought we had agreed upon... early dinner and early show at the movies so I could be off the road before it was too late - I did drive 90 minutes, people. He then said he wasn't really hungry, and suggested we watch Dodgeball. *Sigh*

    At the end of the movie, he decided that he was hungry, so we went for dinner. It was past 5:00, and the movie began at 6:30, so there was really no way that was going to workout. We went to a restaurant and I thoroughly enjoyed the food, the conversation and the atmosphere. To kill a bit of time and walk off the wine and pasta from the meal, we walked around the mall and caught up on all that had happened since we were studying together.

   Then he suggested we skip the late movie - it started at 9:00 - to go back to his place, after stopping at the liquour store to pick up a bottle of wine. When I politely declined on the wine, he looked at me like a crazy person. "I have to drive home tonight," I explained, and he looked at me like I'd grown a second head. "You're driving home tonight? You know, you could have stayed over. I cleaned my room for you!"

WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

    He then laughed and made like it was all a joke, and I awkwardly laughed it off too. Since it was still early, when I drove him back to his place, I agreed to come in and watch the Big Bang Theory - I do love Sheldon and Leonard. Instead, we wound up watching 21 Jump Street and I drooled over Channing Tatum and then, all of a sudden, he leaned in and kissed me. It started out like the standard cute, first kiss. Then it turned into the type of makeout session that you had in high school only with one thing missing: a spark. He stood up a few minutes post-makeout and explained that he would "behave himself" on the first date, but "look out on the second date". Ugh, please.

    A few minutes later I invented a reason to duck out and explained that I really needed to get home. He then asked me to drive him to a bar to meet up with his roommate and his roommate's friends. Um, OK. When I dropped him off, after he had gone upstairs and changed, he told me how much he'd enjoyed the evening and that I "had to" let him know when I was in the city again. I thanked him, wished him a good night and drove away.

Do I really want to date? I mean, really want to date?

   In his defense, aside from the fact that the whole night seemed more like what I would have enjoyed with a boyfriend I had in high school, I enjoyed his company. But I also got the sense that he was trying to replace his ex-girlfriend with me through little hints, and the general playing-out of the night. That was bad enough. The deal breaker? He really expected that I was going to stay, that we were going to have sex, and I think ultimately, that we are going to have a serious relationship.

   Once upon a time, I might have stayed. I'm no prude - I've slept over on the first date before, but nothing good ever comes of a relationship that begins that way and I had to learn it the hard way. I have realized, however, that in the few dates I have gone on since John and I split up that every guy expected me to sleep with him right off the bat - and that genuinely pisses me off.

   Yes, I am a young single mother. No, I'm not a slut. I married my son's father - things didn't work out. Don't assume that I entered into motherhood because of a drunken night with some guy I barely knew. Don't assume that, just because I've accepted a date with you, that I want you to be Finn's dad or my new protector. I don't need that, and neither does Finn.

Dating Fail. *Sigh* Better luck next time, maybe?