Detriment

Irrational. 

It's a word I found myself repeating over and over to myself on Saturday morning as I stood in my kitchen. I was being irrational. Completely and utterly irrational. Ridiculous even, and it's made me realize exactly how detrimental self-talk can be. You see, while I was making myself a piece of toast and a cup of coffee before I got ready to work out, I almost called myself that f-word that I promised I wouldn't.

You are not fat. You are being irrational. I shouldn't be eating this bread. Carbs are bad.

Just because you are eating something does not make you fat. Tell that to my squishy stomach. I can't believe I wasn't working out all last month.

You are not fat because you haven't been working out. You were busy. You can work out today and tomorrow. You just need your routine. Hmm, I was pretty busy... 

Working out today is not going to make you instantly skinny. It is going to help you be strong, and it will make you feel good. Working out today will make me feel good... and I need to eat in order to have energy and be strong.

You are not fat. You are being irrational. I am being irrational.

This, my friends, was the internal dialogue that went down in a pair of neon shorts while standing in a half-assed tree pose (otherwise known as my cookin' pose) in the kitchen. It's a conversation that once upon a time, I would have had out loud, in front of a mirror - until the day F asked me if he was "fat". It's a conversation lots of us have with ourselves and it's a conversation that needs to stop. I'd dump the friend or the boyfriend who made me feel bad about my body, so it's time I dump my own habit of doing it. 

It might sound silly, but self-talk is important. It's the stuff we do in the minutes before a date or an interview or while we're trying to keep ourselves together standing in the longest line-up known to humanity at Starbucks when we just really need that coffee. But as much as we make it through hard times by telling ourselves to breathe, we also tear ourselves down unnecessarily. Or at least, I do. 

Tell yourself how awesome you are today. Made it to work on time? Go you! YOU SHOWERED? Fantastic - go eat a cookie! Seriously, eat the cookie. Don't put yourself in a state of detriment. You're better than that.

Christmastime

It's supposed to be the happiest time of the year, and in a lot of ways it still is.

Two short - and yet very long - years ago, J and I were gearing up to spend our first night in our new home. Young newlyweds with a toddler, we were the picture of a happy little family. As we put the finishing touches on the walls and swept up the last of the dust leftover from construction, we discussed all the extra space in F's room for a crib - if we were lucky enough to have a second. We couldn't wait to host our family and friends for a Christmas celebration in the upcoming evening. I never imagined then that it just be F and I from there on out, but so it is. 

Christmas is so heavily wrapped in tradition for many families that it brings a sense of loss and sadness when the holiday rolls around. Five years ago, there would be as many as 20 people sitting around my Nanny's dining room table for Christmas Day dinner. This year, there will be 10. The emptiness fills the room, and there's a precarious mixture of reminiscing and avoiding mention of loved ones now gone. 

But Christmas is a time of new beginnings, right at its core: the arrival of the baby Jesus. It's a celebration of the magic of love. While I enjoyed seeing F's eyes widen at the sight of what Santa brought him and the smiles of family members as they unwrapped their gifts, I'm mostly relishing in the opportunity to just be. Just sit with F and watch snow fall. Laying on the couch watching movies with Dad. Laughing at YouTube videos with Mom. Sitting around the table with food and drink and just feeling the warmth of family, friendship and love.

In spite of the pangs of sadness that have an amazing ability to sneak up on me, I'm filled with the joy and magic of the Christmas spirit, not because it's easy but because it's the decision I have made. Wherever you are, I pray you have a safe and happy holiday. Hug your loved ones, call a friend, spread some Christmas cheer!

And if you still feel sad, watch this video. 

Merry Christmas! 

best, love and smiles, ashley & family

Advise me

Kids give great advice.

Some of the best advice I've ever received and the most important life lessons I've ever been taught have come from children, especially my own. It's the little things that as grown ups, we forget or we're too busy for, and it's the things that make all the difference in the world.



Stop. Appreciate your surroundings. Doddle sometimes.

While hanging out with a friend not so very long ago, we got into a discussion about relationships. Her nine-year-old was apparently listening in, and when I said that I often thought about getting back together a little voice piped up with, "isn't it called a break up because it's broken?". And it's true. While I won't pretend to know what the future holds or how things may play out, I've learned the hard way that if it didn't work the first time, a relationship doesn't tend to work the second or the third time around, either. 

So, if it ain't broke don't fix it and it's called a break-up because it's broken. Apply those simple principles to  your relationship and you may find that you created problems where there were none, or you tried to fix something that wasn't fixable.

As we were rushing to get ready one morning, I barked at asked F to put on his jacket, perhaps little more sharply than I should have and he stood there looking at me as I continued to rush about. When I asked him why he wasn't listening, he told me I hadn't said please and he was right. Being late doesn't excuse poor manners, and who better to remind me than the child whom I'm teaching this simple rule. 

And then, I started thinking (dangerous, I know) and I came up with this little list of things that F has taught me recently, and I'd like to share it with you...

1. Hugs do not need an occasion. Hug people you love for no reason, other than that you simply love them. Receiving an unexpected, love-filled hug is the best thing in the world. I know this because it happens to me every. single. day.

2. "I love you" also doesn't need an occasion? Love someone? TELL THEM. Don't put it on Facebook. Don't tweet it. Don't beat around the bush - just say the words. And don't not say it because "they already know". Tell them anyway.

3. Celebrate the little things. F told me I had done a good job when I flushed the toilet this morning. and while it sounds a little bit silly to a grown up, it was important to F to tell me that I had done a good job. I also get "Great job!" or, my personal favourite, "You're the best!" when I make meals, put on our boots or sometimes just run a bath. Thank people for doing the things they do each day, even if it's just emptying the dishwasher.

4. Say what you feel. F tells me when he's upset. In fact, I encourage him to. He says he's happy, or he's sad or he's angry and he says when he doesn't understand or doesn't like something. Can you imagine how much easier life would be if people told one another how they actually felt? My stars! 

5. Be silly. Laughing makes you feel instantly better. If it doesn't, you need a soul because you obviously don't have one. Don't take yourself too seriously all the time. Sure, there's a time and a place for everything but don't forget to take a few minutes to watch a funny cat video or share a joke with a friend or colleague. 

6. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. The words of Thumper's mum are repeated over and over at my house, and I'm as guilty as anyone of breaking this rule. It's extra hard when I preach "say how you feel", but you can say how you feel without making someone else feel badly. And if you don't think you can, that's one time you can keep your feelings to yourself.

7. Slow down sometimes. I often get frustrated when we're walking somewhere and F stops to look at leaves or some other random, inconsequential thing and hurry him along. But it's good to stop and smell the roses coffee. I tell him to hurry up when he's eating, as he takes a bite and then "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm's" his satisfaction. How often do we shovel food in without appreciating the great flavours? I know I do. I've eaten entire meals without tasting them. Life moves fast enough without us hurrying it along.

The Best

You only accept the love you think you deserve.

I read this line over and over and realized how true those words have been in my own life, and in the lives of some of those closest to me. It's been a journey of learning and understanding for me to be able to recognize that I have often deserved more than I demanded from myself and others. I spent years as the pushover. I gave up on myself again and again, and I have nothing but a lot of wasted time to show for that. I've accomplished more in the last year than I did in the four preceding it. Why? Because I demanded it of myself.

While there are certainly times that I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way I had expected, first with J and then with Red, the truth is that I'm totally OK without them. Better than OK, actually. Much better. Talking about the issues with J is much like flogging a dead horse at this point, and things with Red are as complicated as they are raw. But, there comes a time when you must accept that you cannot change things and there is so much healing in just letting go. 

I won't pretend to have it all figured out - I don't. I don't even have half of it figured out, and I won't pretend that my life is always in harmony. There are days when I wish I had something I don't, or I feel a pang of jealousy towards someone else's fortunes. I won't dare admit the number of days I begrudge J and his carefree existence. But is it carefree? I don't know. I do know he's not helping raise his child in any way, shape or form, and sometimes that hurts. But mostly, it doesn't. I decided a long time ago that he was no longer my problem.

Giving ourselves what we deserve can be difficult. Recognizing our worth is often impossible, as we are so clouded by our own harsh criticisms that we cannot see past them. We must learn to give ourselves credit where credit is due, and perhaps most importantly, we have to give ourselves a break every now and again. We can only accept the love we think we deserve. 

What if we all decided we deserve the best?

Making the Change

Sometimes the happiest endings come from beginnings filled with sadness.

It's hard to believe that two years ago, I was relishing in the glow of newlyweddom (it's my new word; deal with it). It's harder still for me to wrap my head around the fact that just one short year ago I was in the preliminary process of the whole back-to-school-mama business. I'm not even sure I was truly convinced I'd do it. And here I am, about to graduate.

I'm incredibly fortunate to have had this opportunity and I know that. Many don't. I'm blessed with great friends, wonderful parents and a community who stood behind me to offer support, words of kindness and consolation, cups of coffee to wake me up and shoulders to cry on when needed. It hasn't been easy, but we did it.

When my plans to move to Ottawa came crashing down on my head and I found myself, clutching Kleenex and sobbing in my supervisor's office, asking for my job back I felt like my whole world was about to implode. It was like I was perched precariously on the verge of total devastation, and unable to get away. It was a bad feeling. And then one day, I came home from work and got in the shower and let all of the sadness and bad feeling go down the drain with the suds from my shampoo.

Less than a year after totally uprooting my life and challenging myself in ways I didn't think I could (and would rather not ever do again), I'm working in a field that I love and have been for nine months. I won't stay here forever, but it's a perfect fit for me right now. I made the decision to be happy, and though there will always be bumps in the road and obstacles to overcome, I've made it to a place where happiness really is my reality.

But it's easy to get lost in sadness.

I know this because I've done it, and it was a long, hard battle to get out of the rut I had settled into. It's easy to stay there. It's easy to mistake comfort for contentment, or happiness. We settle for what we have, rather than dare to dream. Change is scary. It's hard, it's the unknown but it's almost always worth the journey. 

September 3

Two years ago today I got married.

Two years ago today, at this exact time, I was running around like a headless chicken, with a tear-stained face trying to be excited while fear gripped at me. Was I about to make a big mistake?

Then, with F.

You know that thing where they tell you to listen to your gut? Yeah. I didn't.

We had a beautiful ceremony and an equally beautiful reception which I spent separated from my new husband, as he was busy "consoling" his mother. I danced to S Club 7 with my best friend, drank a lot of wine and I mingled with family and friends until it was time to pack it all in. I remember vividly the moment we got back to our rental house for the weekend - some of our bridal party opted to stay up and keep the party going. I went to bed, exhausted.

When we separated six months later, I was devastated but things immediately felt right.

I don't even remember what I did last year. But today I'll go to school and I'll go to work. I'll drink about five cups of coffee. I'll call my parents. I'll talk to friends. I'm hoping to get to Home Depot to pick up a couple of little things. Just for the Hell of it, though, I'm going to reflect on the milestones of the last two years.

Such as:

J has seen our son 0 times in 2013. In 2012, the grand total was 6.

I haven't heard from J in more than six months. He hasn't contacted our son since he texted me ON F'S BIRTHDAY to say he was drinking and couldn't come over. He didn't even send a card.

Classy, right?

I'm also going to pick up a bottle of wine tonight and I'm going to toast myself for not going completely crazy. I'm going to raise a glass to F, because he's the driving force behind every single thing I do. I'm going to toast my amazing parents and friends who have supported me, held my hand, offered a shoulder to cry on and given me a healthy dose of reality when needed.

Now (in matching shirts, no less!)

And then, I'm going to climb into my big, beautiful queen size bed with my stuffed sheep and the terrorist kitten and I'm going to sleep.

Alone.

And totally happy.

Thumbs-Up for Thursdays (August 29)

Before I start, I have to admit I've been neglecting my blog a bit the last little while, but I promise I'll get my shit together soon!
 
It's here, and it's the last one for the month of August. It's another Thursday, and with it comes a few thumbs-ups. The Thursday before a long weekend is always a little bit hectic in my world, partially because I want to finish everything at work and also because I generally have a fair bit of packing to do. This week was no exception, but today has been by far the best day of my entire month!

1. I had the best weekend last weekend. No, seriously THE BEST. I spent time with friends, went out for wine and had the opportunity to laze around and just relax. This weekend will undoubtedly be a close second since it's a long one, AND I'm seeing F for the first time in two weeks. (For those of you who don't know, my daycare provider effed me and now I don't have childcare again.)

2. On a work trip to New Glasgow this week, I not only got to share my knowledge and passion for social media with a fabulous group of people, but I got to share a delicious meal with a great friend who I haven't seen in far too long! Catching up with friends is the best.

 3. I might actually have the best job ever. Just today, I spent my morning with a group of kids and their parents as they were provided with back-to-school assistance including clothing, Wal-Mart gift cards and backpacks filled with crayons, pencils, calculators and binders! Being a part of something bigger than myself, and helping more than 200 people is something that definitely deserves one big thumbs up.

4. This morning, a kind stranger paid for my Starbucks order in the drive-thru. After putting my cash back in my wallet, I decided that I wanted to keep the train of awesomeness chugging along. So I dug out my debit card and asked if I could please purchase the order for the car behind me. As warmed as my heart was by the generosity of that stranger, I felt great passing on that warmth to another. It was a small gesture but it had a huge impact on my day! Thumbs Up for kindness, amiright?

I hope you all had a great week too, and invite you to share your thumbs ups with me anytime! :) Keep the positivity going!

Thumbs Up for Thursdays! (August 22)

I've said it before, BUT CAN YOU BELIEVE AUGUST IS ALMOST OVER?!

Seriously, you guys, there is only one more Thursday before September is upon us. Shit, right? We'll soon be packing away the summer things, but not before enjoy the last few days and weeks of summer. This week was refreshingly quiet, filled with a couple of great surprises and an astonishing amount of caffeine. As always, there was lots to be done and little of it was finished. Luckily for everyone, tomorrow is Friday and the weekend is within our reach.

I'm looking forward to being even less productive in the upcoming days, but in the meantime I'll be appreciative of the things that deserved a Thumbs Up this week!

1. My parents hosted F for the week, so I've been a free agent all week - and will be until early next week! I've been missing him all week, but I have to admit that I've been enjoying grown up TV and getting lots of work done. That said, I'm really looking forward to catching up on snuggles!

2. I had a fun night out for the first time in a long time. It was well deserved, I really needed it, and that's all I'm saying. :)

3. My almost-85-year-old Nanny spent the night with me last night, on a very rare trip away from home for her. I grew up right next door to this amazing lady, and she is a focal point in most (if not all) of my childhood memories. Being 5 hours away, I don't get to spend as much quality time with any of my family members as I would like, but it was a treat to have her stay with me and see my place. Extra awesome was our trip to Swiss Chalet for soup, cheesecake and a spot o' tea followed by The Beverly Hillbillies before bed.

4. I had two interviews for an amazing opportunity this week, which has rekindled my confidence in my own abilities. After months of sending out resumes and not hearing a peep from any employer, two interviews in as many days was a nice reaffirmation that I have a lot to offer. That said, I was sad to receive a resume for my current position which means my days in my current chair may be numbered.

5. Last, but definitely not least, I had "coffee" with a wonderful friend today. She's an inspiration and like a big sister to me. And I owe her a big thank-you and a kick in the arse for getting me addicted to the Matcha green tea chiller! I'm on my way to get another right. this. minute.

Have a great day! What would you give a Thumbs Up to this week?

The 10 Commandments of Cats and Kids

Since becoming a parent to Mr. F and the cat, I've learned that I've been going about life all wrong. Here are a few things my cat and toddler have taught me...

1. It is never safe to go to the bathroom, for any reason, without supervision. For this reason, whether my trip to the bathroom is to brush my teeth, pee or have a bath, I have at least one set of eyes on me. This is especially true if you're a through-the-night-bathroom-trip-taker. You should carry your toddler and allow the cat to sit on your lap while you try to unravel some TP in a sleep-induced fog. Don't drop the kid on the way back to bed. They don't like that.  

2. One must never sleep alone. In fact, you should always have another living creature on top of you. The leg of a toddler or a cat bum in your face is a good thing. Make sure you don't try to casually move child and cat from your bed to toddler bed. They don't like that.

3. Behind the couch, under the bed and inside the radiator is the only place to keep valuable or important items including, but not limited to, credit cards, jewelry and favourite toys. You should remove these items every 3 minutes, as that is the frequency of their disappearance. Don't even think about trying to take a trip to the bathroom, either. Your only job is to remove these things from their "lost" places.

4. You should always stand directly in front of the door someone is about to open so that they hit you and know that you are there, waiting for them. This is especially true if someone was really living on the edge and went to the bathroom alone. Shame on them.

5. The fridge and cupboard doors should always be left open. Always. If you trip over them, that's your own damn fault.

6. Dust bunnies have feelings too. What were you thinking vacuuming them up and disposing of them? Gosh. And, HOW DARE YOU throw out any broken toys, crayons or old food. Seriously. Have you no heart?

7. 3am is the prime time to ask questions, chase your tail and demand pizza.

8. Water is more fun when it is spilled across counter tops, floors and furniture. Extra points are awarded to whomever successfully breaks the glass in the process to spill said water.

9. Trips to the potty should be announced as loudly as possible, at all times. Keep record of these trips - strangers need to know about your um, comings and goings.

10. Popsicles, nachos, ice cream and chocolate are all suitable for breakfast. If you do not get one or all of these things for breakfast, throw a temper tantrum and be snotty for the rest of the day. Make sure you get the cat on board with this - if your meltdown doesn't drive your big person crazy, the cat will make sure it trips her.

Perspective

Sometimes, our plans can change in an instant.

It doesn't matter whether we like it or not. It doesn't matter if we had all of our ducks in a row, and our heart set on something. Sometimes, things are out of our control. Not meant to be. Sometimes they are.

It's easy to drown in the sadness and frustration and anger that comes from disappointment and heartache. It's just as easy to float away with elation, forgetting to keep your feet on the ground. Emotions can feel larger than life, they can smother us with their intensity and we can lose our focus.

It's cliché, but true: In every ending, there comes a new beginning.

Though a chapter of my life that has been full of love, happiness and growth has come to an end, I can see another chapter on the horizon. I don't know what it has in store, but I know that it will be wonderful and beautiful and I will make it through the rough patch I currently find myself in.

Wherever you find yourself in your journey today, remember how blessed you are to be in that exact place. Count your blessings. You make a life with what you have, not what you wish you had. Let it go. Happiness, as always, is waiting.

Be strong and stay positive. XO

Thumbs Up for Thursdays! (August 1)

Crazy coconuts, you guys! It's August!!! That means summer is half over. Insert sad face here, amiright? It's also Thursday, meaning it's high time we bust out the positivity as we head into tomorrow's Beautiful Friday and enjoy a long weekend! 

It's not quite 8 am and my day already feels crazy. After my 9-hour work day is finished up, I've got laundry and packing ahead of me! Red and I are off to Moncton, NB to celebrate his good friend's wedding. Thursdays, you guys, Thursdays. UGH. If nothing else, remember that Thursday helps you get to Friday and everybody loves a weekend! 

So, without further ado here's a round-up of what I give Thumbs-Up to this week:

1. Red is home - although I can assure you there was at least one day during the almost-week he's been home that we both wished the other was in Timbuktu, it's really nice to have him back. AND, in spite of a little tiff or twenty, I don't think I'd send him back to the woods. 

2. KIDCATION. I miss little F a lot, but it has been so nice to only get myself ready in the morning. His kidcation is coming to an end, and he'll be back to the grind next week. I think it's important to explain here that it's less that I need or want time away from F, but I needed some time for me. Now that I've had PLENTY of it, I'm ready to get the little rascal back!

3. My long weekend begins tomorrow! I'm out of my second-job office by 2 p.m. tomorrow at the latest and off to Moncton to enjoy a long weekend. BONUS: The last time I spent a night in a hotel, I was legit LIVING in that hotel with my Mom because my apartment had been broken into my the rental company and cleaned out because I'd given notice to move. #Bastards. ANYWAY, staying in a hotel will be a nice treat!

4. The weather has been fantastic this week! I'm all for high heat, but sitting in an office sweating through your carefully chosen outfit is just no fun. The slightly cooler weather and great days have made for comfortable office mornings and easy-to-sleep nights. What's not to love about that?

5. Last night might have been the highlight of my entire week! Red and I went out for dinner and then went downtown to walk and drive around, just enjoying the city. It was great - and the best part was, I got a MASSIVE piece of Cheesecake at Broadway Cheescake.  You guys, yum.

What deserved a Thumbs-Up this week in your lives? Tell me below or on my Facebook Page.

Finally

I imagined the day I would meet my birth mother for a long time.

Months. Years. Decades. Forever, it would seem, to my twenty-five year old self.

I had it all planned out, you see. It would be a beautiful day (obviously I planned for the weather), and we would have some sort of cheesy picnic or other reunion of sorts and we'd laugh and cry and recognize all the things that were similar in ourselves - my siblings, my mother and I. From the time I knew she was out there. from the moment I heard her voice I knew we would meet and it would be wonderful. And in many ways it was, except for one...

We met because her father is dying.

I woke to a text from my biological mother informing me that her father was in hospital, and the family had been called. She, her husband, brother and kids were driving from Ontario to Nova Scotia, in a race against time to be with her dad. I felt sick.

I didn't sleep much last night. My mind raced: how was I going to do this? Was I ready? Are you ever ready? I prepared myself for what I knew would be hard. I got dressed, did my hair and got in the car.

The drive was stressful - three hours in length. I drove in silence for a long time. Then with music blaring. F slept. I called Red. My mom called. I listened to my GPS and navigated an old highway I'd never driven before. I saw the sign to the hospital, I took a deep breath and I pulled in. Here it was.

I saw a group standing together outdoors, and I knew. I knew it was my family - even without seeing a face. Then I saw her. My mother. She turned and watched as my car pulled in. They all turned. I composed myself, and got out of the car. As she walked towards me we both began to cry. 25 years. A quarter century. Emotions and memories and so many things passed in the next seconds that the earth stood still as we hugged and cried, while family I didn't know looked on. We just cried.

Hugs. Introductions. Names. New faces. It was a lot to take in, and yet nothing at all, as I took it in stride and F did too. Strangers, and yet family. Strangers and yet familiar. Mine. Ours.

Just over two hours I spent with them, during their saddest time, as someone they loved and I would love to know is slipping away from them. It was bittersweet. I felt my heart break as Grandad looked at me and said "All the years we've missed..."

All the years.

25 years of memories and chances we've missed, so I did what I could to make up for them in that short time. As I said my good-bye, my heart shattered. I'll never get to know him. F will never get to know him. But I got to see him, and that's more than I might have had. I got to hold him and kiss him goodbye. Someone I don't even know, but care about in a way I can't explain. I can't explain any of it.

Darlene (birth Mom), Granddad Bill, Myself and F - Together, 25 years later.

I took the chance today, and I couldn't be more glad that I did. They slip away, you know. Chances. People. Loved ones. Memories. In a heartbeat, they're gone. Don't let them. Today, I saw where I came from. Who I am. Where I began and I finally found the closure I've wanted all my life.

I couldn't have done it without the love and support of my amazing parents, Debbie and David or without Red. Thank you. Without my friends, I might have lost the courage. Thank you.

Girlfriend

Apparently, I do my best thinking in the bathroom - particularly in the bathtub, but I'm sure I've hit a stroke of genius while sitting on the throne in the past too.

Today, my stroke of genius hit me as I was rubbing coconut oil into my skin and trying to remember what I was going to do after I got dressed (I still don't remember). As I was frantically rushing around, Red ran in with F to help him use the potty, and then the two made their way to the kitchen where Red prepared F's breakfast.

Standing there, I realized why I've had so many crap relationships. I realized why I'm so happy, so in love.

I used to want a boyfriend. I had boyfriends. I was their girlfriend.

I didn't have real relationships. Real relationships aren't husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. They're made up of partners - and for the first time, I can honestly say that I've got one.

But, every now and again I'll slum it and refer to myself as his girlfriend.

Full

I am lucky enough to live in a big, bright apartment in a fairly quiet neighbourhood just outside the city. My neighbours are mostly quiet, my building superintendent is lovely and I feel safe and secure inside the unit that I call home. But it’s huge.

Daisy, my loveable Beagle, and I cohabit a spacious two-bedroom apartment. In the run of an average week, I might pop my head into the second bedroom once (twice if I’m cleaning or need something), and I rarely use my 8-seater dining room table at mealtimes, but sit for an hour or two working at my laptop. I park my ass in the exact same spot on my couch every time I sit down to watch television or read. While I love my apartment and the neighbourhood, and even though Daisy is surprisingly good company for a dog who chews expensive shoes and pees on the floor, I often felt so incredibly alone within the walls of my place. Even with all of my furniture set up, paintings on the walls, music turned on and candles lit my apartment never felt cozy. It was just too big. Empty, even.

But, for the last 24 hours, my heart and my home have never felt so full.

After a fantastic weekend with our families in Cape Breton, Red and I packed my car – complete with F, lots of toys and that big-eared thing I call the dog – and we started the trek for Halifax. After arriving at my apartment, the process of settling in began: suitcases unpacked, beds made, laundry put away, groceries bought. Within an hour, my living room floor was peppered with toy cars and trains, crayons and colouring books were strewn across my dining room table and giggles could be heard from one end of the hallway to the other.

My apartment has never felt so small and cozy. 

As I made my coffee this morning, I could hear the gentle breaths from F’s bed, the occasional snort from the dog and the sound of Red rolling over, the sheets rustling around him. Standing alone in the dark I realized that my coffee has never tasted so good and being tired has never felt so rejuvenating. As always, the smallest things have the greatest impact in our day-to-day life.

I know that when F goes back to Chateau Grammy after a week with me, my apartment will feel big and hollow again but my heart will still be overflowing…

…and that crayon may never come off the chairs.

Uncovered

Easter has come and gone in a flash.

It's funny the way we anticipate events and holidays for weeks and weeks in advance. Just think of the craziness surrounding Christmas every year. I spent the last week or two worrying about this weekend - not because I had a lot to get done, but because F was meeting Red. My stress levels grew exponentially as we got closer and closer to the day.

My concern was certainly not that F wouldn't like Red. I knew he would. Red is funny and sweet, and he's a big kid himself most of the time. My concern lay in the fact that I felt there may be a real possibility that F would send Red running in the opposite direction. Don't get me wrong: I love F like there's no tomorrow, and I wouldn't change a single hair on his sweet, little head. But he's too much like me. He's wound so tightly that when he lets go, it's approximately the equivalent of letting 7.4 million bouncy balls (F's favourite) loose in a tunnel. He's often too smart for his own good, plus he has my red-headed temper and bull-headed stubbornness to boot.

In short, the kid is a handful.

But all my worry was for wasted. The boys hit it off right away, and within only a few minutes they were perched on the piano stool making noise music and laughing together. Before I could say "melt", F was telling me that Red was his friend. We're now about to head into a really big week - F will be coming to Halifax with me, and Red will be hanging out with him while I'm at school and work.

Watching F and Red blowing bubbles on the step yesterday afternoon, or seeing Red kiss F's head as they said goodnight at bedtime last night absolutely melted my heart. I couldn't have orchestrated a more perfect weekend if I tried. We enjoyed some quality time with Red's mom and dad, we watched movies and we snuggled a lot.

We're heading into a very big and exciting week, now. In a few short hours, F and I will pick Red up and head to Halifax for a week together. Red and F will hang out (with Daisy, of course) while I'm in school or at work. It's a little nerve-wrecking, but I'm sure it'll be fantastic. I'm packing away my fears while I pack extra big-boy pants for F.

It's hard - and often terrifying - but packing those fears away often helps uncover true happiness and wonderful surprises. What are you waiting for?

Be Happy

I used to believe strongly in the notion of being lucky or unlucky, and I felt that I fell into the lot of "unlucky" in the world. Whenever bad things would happen, I would sum it up to having bad luck and on the occassions that things seemed to be going well, I'd wait anxiously for the bad news to hit me. Kind of like when my stuff went missing or the time I found my car had been backed into.

The truth is that I'm neither lucky nor unlucky. Shitty things happen all the time to all kinds of people but good things do too. It's one of those circle of life things, and I'm really, really hoping that there's some kind of limit to all the nonsense because I'm looking forward to not having grey hair and wrinkles any time soon.

The truth is that my life really is a circus, but then... whose life isn't a circus from time to time? I make monumental messes that need cleaning up, and I trip over my own feet and make an ass of myself pretty regularly but I'm not alone. And things are really only ever as bad as you let them be, but this goes both ways.

You can't be happy if you're not willing to let yourself be happy.

I know this just as sure as I'm sitting here with a ridiculous grin I can't wipe off my face and a great big bowl of half-burnt popcorn. And it's not just my love of popcorn that has me so giddy. A little over a month ago, I decided that it was OK to let someone in. It's OK to peel away the layers and let my guard down. It's OK to be happy. After hanging out with a very handsome redhead a few times, I decided it was time to stop trying to pick him apart and give in. Around the time I made that decision, the ridiculous grin I just eluded to was painted across my face and it's been there ever since.

And I've never been so happy.

It's the feeling of being totally safe and totally vulnerable at the same time; it's being comfortable and completely out my element; it's feeling completely on edge and entirely relaxed and I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China because it's the best feeling in the world.

When I decided to let go of the fear of getting hurt and the cyncisim that told me I could never be happy, I found happiness in a navy polo shirt offering me a glass of wine (and we all know how I feel about wine). After a week of trying to convince myself that I couldn't be happy, I took my Mom's advice. And, as she sometimes always is, Mom was right.

"It may be today or it may be tomorrow, it might be six months away, but there will come a day when you'll find someone who makes you happy again... but if you keep your blinders on, you'll never be able to see it."

She's a real philosopher, that Deb.

Be happy, stay positive and pour yourself a big glass of wine!

XO,

A

Found

Lately, I’ve been thinking about making a cape for myself.

It would have one of those cheesy MOM in a heart tattoo images and the word Super Ashley written in fancy, schmany cursive. I would wear it with my brown,  4 ½” heeled Steve Madden ankle boots and a mini dress. Or maybe with my brand new, size 0 jeans and a backless top. Either way, I’d feel hawt.

When I found out I was pregnant, I foresaw running shoes and high-waisted tapered jeans. It was pretty bleak, in my opinion. It was exasperated by the extra thirty pounds that settled between my upper thighs and collar bone, squishy arms and roll-y tummy post-baby. I’d given up the idea of being more than wife and Mom, and while it was a hard pill for me to swallow, I did it and I made the most of it. I had a beautiful son, a wonderful family and my husband was going to provide for us. From an outsider’s perspective, I was living in my perfect little world.

Imagine my shock when my world shattered.

I worked my ass off, quite literally, and shed over forty pounds of emotional and physical weight. I bought high heels, dyed my hair, put on some mascara and hit the town. I decided to go back to school. After spending three years focusing on being a parent, almost five years spent focusing on my relationship it was time for me to have my time and so far it’s been the time of my life.

It hasn’t been easy, but then no one ever said it would be. They just promised it would be worth it, and even in the moments when I felt that I couldn’t take another step, pressing on led me to beautiful places. I’ve found love. I love myself. I’ve never felt that way before. How could I have ever expected to have a successful relationship when I didn’t even love myself?

I’ve found friendship. I’ve found my passion, my creativity and strengths I didn’t know I had.

It’s amazing what you find when you take the time to look.

Disclosed

Imagine being 25 years old and hearing your mother's voice for the first time.

I lived that last week and it was as incredible and indescribable as you might imagine. Even more incredible has been learning how much we're alike, from taste in music to favourite wines, the way we drink our coffee and even having similar tattoos. It's been nothing shy of a dream come true. We even look alike.

Communicating with my brothers, my little sister and my uncle has been one of the most amazing experiences I will ever have, falling only behind F's arrival. I can't wait to meet them, hold them and see them face to face. I have played it over and over in my mind my whole life, but now I have images to go with it.

I am the oldest of seven kids, aunt to two nephews and niece to two uncles. Though it has been a bit overwhelming, I feel complete now - at peace, even - that I have this knowledge and this new connection with people who are a part of me. It is still surreal, my excitement is still electrifying and I don't think anyone could beat the smile off my face.

I have lived a very blessed and privileged life... In fact, I have been totally spoiled by two selfless people who have given me all I ever wanted and more (except for that pony, but they did fund many years of riding lessons). While many people live their lives without support - with no family - I am now fortunate enough to have two families of which I am a part of. My son has earned 4 additional uncles and a beautiful aunt, a new grandmother and her husband. He has two new cousins to grow up with.

The process of the adoption disclosure was long and tedious. After two years of waiting, a phone call changed my life. I laid in bed on the weekend F turned three and browsed her photos, fingered the writing on her letter to me... When we connected online last week, the world stopped turning and it's not quite up to speed again. And if things never go back to the way they were, that would be just fine.

From being the fake kid, to being Darlene's daughter I've come to believe that fairy tales do come true.

extinguished

The problem with dating, I've come to discover, is that people actually expect a relationship on the other side of the date. After spending my entire adult life in a relationship, my year of singledom has changed me in many ways - so much so that I'm torn between the loneliness of being, well, alone and the drama-free existence of it. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd rather be single, but it looks like it's here - of course, arguably, I may not have met the right person...

...or have I?

I've been out on a few dates over the past couple of months, and I now think I might be the Queen of First Dates. I've met lots of great men, but I find faults and make deal breakers of their quirks, lifestyles, jobs and (shallowly) their appearances - though, if you ask me, life is too short to wear ugly shoes. I've become a bit of a snob, and I can honestly say I've set my standards impossibly high. I sit down post-date and pick apart the other person, intentionally extinguishing any interest or spark I was feeling.

I want someone smart, but not smarter than me because I'm afraid of feeling stupid. He needs to have an education, a good sense of humour and quite frankly, I need to find him attractive. If he doesn't like kids, he's absolutely barking up the wrong tree and don't get me started on poor grammar. He also had better be able to deal with my busy schedule, general flightiness and the fact that I'll likely publish our relationship.

Even if I'm really into someone during our date, I find myself tarnishing the positive image I had of that person by the next evening. Why? Well, the jury is still out on that one. Maybe I just need to find the spark...

...or not douse it when I see it.

Comeback Mom

In the midst of my January blahs, I've also had good reason to celebrate.

First, and certainly most important, is the fact that I am honestly and truly happy. I don't know if I've ever been able to say this with certainty before - and inspite of the general blahness of the past few weeks, I am at peace with myself more than ever. Sure, there are things I'd like to change but all in all, I'm in a good place.

I know who I am. I know what I want. I'm on the road to making my dreams become a reality and I've made some of them come true already. I believe fiercly in the importance of setting goals and holding onto our dreams. I let some of my dreams go in the past, and I've just managed to catch up to them again. Want in on the dream? Check it all out here.

I can still hear the snide remarks, feel the hurt from the blows that told me no one would want to read what I write so I stopped writing. Don't we all do that from time to time? We let the negativity of others beat us down. Have you?

Well, I think it's time for you to have your Comeback.