Steps in the Right Direction

Sometimes, deciding which way to turn can be difficult.

We are constantly faced with choices - some are frivolous, like what jeans to wear, while others are life-changing. Making the decision to stand up for what I wanted was difficult - telling my husband to make a choice was earth-shattering, and letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever done. But, in the end, I made the right choice that day.

Today, some of the choices I make include what to eat for breakfast and whether or not I will stay in my PJ's all day. Real glamorous, no? When I look at my Mom and Dad, I see two people who make the "easy" decision, day in and day out. Changing your life, your routine, your patterns is hard. I think that is why both of my parents lead the lives they lead. My Mom never finished school, and never went back. She didn't realize any of her goals, but she drives my brother and I towards goals sometimes we don't even really have.

In the past, I've let others set goals for me, and I've worked towards them. "Go to University! Make something of yourself!". That didn't last. Why? Because it never felt like it was mine. Setting goals is almost as hard as working towards them. What is it I really want? How am I going to get there? Is it realistic?

Learning I was pregnant was a surprise - I had been told by more than one doctor that I probably would not get pregnant due to cysts on my ovaries and polyps on my uterus. My iron was low, my periods irregular. It hurt to hear, but I had accepted it. I'm adopted - I would have happily adopted children. My boyfriend (now my ex-husband) was supportive as I tried to work through the emotions of possibly never having children. He was significantly less supportive when we learned about my pregnancy.

A smarter woman would have walked away then, but I was young and afraid so I stood by waiting for him to come around. To many, it looks as though he did but in reality, he never stood by my side. Almost five years later, I had enough.

The right path isn't always laid out in front of you, I've learned. Sometimes you have to climb over or dig beneath debris... other times you have to pound it out with your own two feet. It is almost never the shortest route, but it's bound to be the one with the best view at the end.

With F, enjoying a boat ride!

 

Being a single mom isn't easy. Infact, sometimes I feel like it's damn near impossible. We lived in our house all winter on one income, trying to heat it, power it, clean it, fill the fridge all the while my ex was out partying, buying himself a new truck and meeting his current girlfriend.  It's a fight day in and day out. It is lonely and confusing and scary and totally worth it. The road is covered in bumps and lumps, I've fallen down and had to climb back up but at the end of it, I have a great little boy who loves me and knows how much I love him.