They say that January is the bluest month of them all, and I'm inclined to believe it.
It's always the time of year that I fall into what I can only describe as "the blahs". There's no other way to explain it - I'm just blah. I feel blah. I am blah. It's as glamourous and fun-filled as it sounds, but with a little effort one can make the time a bit more enjoyable. Wine and nail polish HIGHLY recommended.
Not long ago, I read a magazine that suggested one not make any big hair decisions during the month of January (you know, like getting a pixie or dying your hair a totally different colour!) because you may just be swayed by seasonal affective disorder and the general blah-ness of the month. A hair cut, we all know, is a serious thing. Doubly serious is the fact that seasonal affective disorder, a type of depression, has symptoms ranging from sleeplessness to oversleeping, mood swings and suicidal thoughts.
For part of this January, I've contemplated dropping out of school. I've sat alone in my apartment feeling badly, feeling blah and questioning everything. Last January, I told J he needed to shape up or ship out. He left. I'm now wondering if my unhappiness was entirely related to our relationship, or if perhaps the blahs of January were to blame.
When I look at the facts, I feel more and more like I may have cheated us all out of our family. After looking forward to our wedding, then moving into our new home, and then Christmas there was very little excitement to anticipate following the New Year. Three months of trying to get pregnant had resulted in negative pregnancy tests. He was going back to school. Money was tight, and his time moreso. He wasn't coming home to see us, yet he was spending more and more time with his friends. Was I just stuck in the blahs when I lashed out at him that day?
Would we have worked everything out? Would I be happy now? Would he have been the Dad I really wanted him to be? I don't know. As much as our separation sucked, I think it was probably inevitable and as hard as it is to be going it alone with F, I can't imagine how much more difficult it would all be had we stayed together a few more years and had another child. There are days I feel that I'm barely surviving as it is, I don't know if I'd make it if I had two kids to worry about.
The January blahs are as real for others as they are for me. I'm no expert, but I do know that big decisions deserve big thinking. I acted emotionally when I decided to give J that ultimatum, and while it hasn't been a smooth road (and the month of January clearly doesn't count), I'm a lot happier now than I was with him.
I've also learned that what-ifs will make you crazy, so let the past be in the past. There's a reason why your rearview mirror is small and your windshield so large. Remember that, put on your favourite shoes and pound the pavement (or mud) every day knowing that amazing is waiting around the corner - and it might be the corner you least expected.
Stay warm out there, and be positive! XO